If you can’t tell I obviously didn’t get pregnant this month. I honestly cannot tell you how bad it feels to continue to keep going when you feel like you can’t fight anymore. Is it ever going to even happen? Am I wasting my time?
After getting the Trigger Shot the nurse wrote down a date to test. If I got a positive then call the office and they’ll confirm the pregnancy with bloodwork. So Wednesday, June 5 comes along and I’m so excited because I’ve been getting lower back pain (the same pain I had in my first pregnancy) and I didn’t feeeeel like I was going to start. Of course it was negative because why would something work out for me now when I’ve struggled this long, right? After figuring out when your due date is and getting your hopes up for a Valentines Day babe, starting a new cycle was hard. It was hard especially not knowing when your period is going to start because the medication and trigger shot set your cycle to a typical 28 day cycle when you’re a 34 day cycle, the waiting process this time was the worst part. When was I going to start?!
When you’re TTC (trying to conceive) seeing a negative first thing in the morning kills your mood for the entire day. Going to work and constantly being told about another person having a baby when you already just want to hide away, this makes you feel worse than worthless. Just seeing pregnant people at work honestly hurts my heart. I think I’m honestly just sick of constantly acting like I’m okay when I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t want to keep taking medication that makes me feel horrible with shots that make me feel pregnant just to get a negative at the end of the month. I’m putting myself through physical and mental stress for something that is never guaranteed even with my follicles being in the 20s (which is amazing!!) and my progesterone being at a “great” level to sustain a pregnancy at the end of my cycle. If I can’t get pregnant with help, what’s the point right?
So instead of crying (which I do many times), I looked into adoption. I mean, people say to adopt anyways when they know you’re struggling because they think it is supportive and it’ll make you feel better. It makes me feel worse. It tells me that they don’t believe in me when I already don‘t believe in myself. I HATE when people tell me to adopt. After looking to it again, within the qualifications it states in Ohio, you can be single or married, but if you’re married, depending on the agency, you have to provide documentation stating you’ve been married for two years. This makes absolutely no sense to me considering you can adopt a child as a single parent but when you’re together just being married simply isn’t enough. It’s beyond frustrating.
I have faith in my husband Jake, but I really do struggle. Without him I have no idea where I would be. He is the light at the end of the tunnel because he doesn’t give up on me when I want to give up on myself. I want children more than I want to breathe, and he tries to comfort me in any way that he can during these darker times and I am forever grateful for him. Being on my period turns me into a completely different person and knowing how understanding he is makes all the difference. He is my favorite person in the world and I am so very lucky. Although I wish I didn’t have to go through this journey, I’m glad I get to do it with him supporting me every step of the way.