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The Moment that Changed my Life Pt. 2

This is the second part to, "The Moment that Changed my Life Pt. 1." You can find this post HERE.

After having one miscarriage I wanted to try for a baby and Jake didn't care to. We decided we'd slowly start trying and after tracking my periods and trying to figure out when I ovulate, I got pregnant again in September 2018. I was a few days late and I took a cheap test and got a very faint positive. Again, I'm bad at secrets so I text Jake but this time we were both expecting it anyways. By the time he got home there were three other positive tests from different brands set out to show him this time it worked! Once I made it further than I did with my first pregnancy, I was ready to tell the world! We told Jake's parents and we told my family. We had just gotten engaged a couple months back so we decided we'd go to the courthouse because why not get married to your favorite person when you're bringing a child into the world?! We already had our wedding venue picked out and we knew we were going to be together forever so what was a few months early?

I started spotting but it wasn't too bad so I continued to call my doctor (probably too much) to explain the different things that were happening to me. I didn't quite feel pregnant and I didn't have really bad cramping like I did the last time, so was I even pregnant? Or was this time the real deal?! When it was time for my 8 week appointment to confirm the pregnancy Jake was in the room obviously and the doctor asked when the last time I took a pregnancy test was. Obviously that's a red flag. Then she continued to do the ultrasound as we can see nothing there on the screen. She took pictures and sent me to the emergency room because she said she sees "liquid" and she thinks I've had an ectopic pregnancy. At this point Jake tells work he's not coming back from his lunch break and takes me to the ER. I end up getting admitted for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and spend two days in the emergency room. I luckily didn't have to get surgery or anything because my vitals were fine and I wasn't having unbearing pain. But that was hard. It was hard knowing Jake was so excited to be a dad. It was hard having to tell my family once again that it's no longer happening. We're not pregnant. Jake told his family too. It was just another difficult experience. I have no words to describe how I felt. I would've rather just died with my fallopian tube if I could've. But I continued to act like I was okay because who wants to hear about some girl who "shouldn't have told people she was pregnant because she wasn't in the clear?" Who wants to hear about some couple trying to get pregnant? It is astonishing to me to know that when people see two lines they don't instantly question if this is actually going to happen? Am I really going to be a parent? I have been scarred knowing that I will never feel the same way or look at a pregnancy test the same. I will constantly worry the minute I see a positive test because I have no idea if I will ever have a viable pregnancy.

My OBGYN said I would only be able to do IVF because my left fallopian tube was blocked. She recommended me to a fertility clinic. I got in after a few weeks. After telling my doctor what my OB told me, he ordered blood tests to check my eggs and my thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH). Everything looked great. I had an HSG to confirm my left tube was blocked. That was extremely uncomfortable and hurt way more than I expected. Essentially I was told to continue trying naturally for a new months. This happened in January. Our next steps was me starting Letrozole to help me make eggs and then the trigger shot to induce ovulation. This took place as my cycle started in May. My progesterone levels were checked around the end of that cycle and they were "very great" according to the nurse. If this doesn’t work in 3-4 cycles, then our doctor wants to talk about surgery and removing my left tube so I can do IVF. Our fingers are forever crossed that June is our month. Maybe it'll work this time. So slowly but surely this is a journey. Sometimes I just feel like it's never ending.

Jake and I took this photo as part of our Engagement shoot after we found out I was pregnant. It's in my wedding photo book and it’s a constant reminder that I’m missing a piece to my puzzle. I can’t wait to be whole.

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