The next two blogs are going to be a two parter. I'm going to go into more detail about the first miscarriage here in part one. The second miscarriage and a little more insight on how I was diagnosed with different complications in attempts to conceive will be covered in part two; so keep your eyes open!
Jacob has always been someone I can count on. He's my best friend and my soul mate. He was there to console me (usually with tons of cuddles and ice cream) during my darkest times. When we first had a miscarriage we had just gotten back from a cruise at the end of July 2017 when I found out I was pregnant. The ladies at work all sync together during that time of the month and after realizing I was two weeks late, I decided to take a test. Or four... All four tests said positive. I am HORRIBLE with secrets so of course I text Jake right away. I actually sent him a photo of the positive tests saying that I think I was pregnant. I think to this day I still regret not being able to see his face when I told him for the first time we were going to be parents even if it never worked out.
I was so excited I knew I should keep it a secret but slowly started telling people at work because of course I WAS GOING TO BE A MOM! However, it was honestly one of the worst feelings. I had really painful cramps and my lower back hurt pretty bad. A couple days later I woke up feeling like something wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I went to the bathroom and I burst into tears telling Jake we needed to go to the hospital. I will never forget that sight. We both called off work and went to the emergency room to confirm that I was having a miscarriage. One of the nurses came in and was asking how far along I was but she clearly didn't know what was happening because she was so excited as she asked. I don't think I'll ever forget that. She was a small brunette with a big smile. I only made it 6 weeks. All within one week I found out I was pregnant and then it was gone. I laid in bed and I cried. A lot.
I actually thought this experience was going to ruin my relationship because I let it control me for a very long time. I still let it control me. It was my first pregnancy and I have nothing to show for it but a very expensive hospital bill that we had to pay. I wanted Jake to be there for me and it felt like he wasn't. I wanted him to cry and be sad with me. I wanted him to hate the world like I hated the world. I wanted him to care the way I did. But he couldn't. He would try to be understanding but he wasn't really getting what was going on. Coming from your person it sucks feeling like you're dealing with a difficult experience on your own. And I haven't completely been the same since this happened.
Thankfully, Jake and I have a very strong relationship and I know through each obstacle we really do become an even better team. Each month we cross our fingers and pray for our time to be parents. Fingers (and toes) crossed for June.
Stay tuned for Part Two!