Updated: May 22, 2019
A few weeks ago my husband and I went to a doctors appointment to discuss options moving forward with trying to conceive. We've been trying since our first miscarriage in August 2017, so our doctor introduced fertility drugs to us. After starting my cycle on day three I started Letrozole and it made me feel HORRIBLE. I had constant headaches to the point that I wanted to get sick, and when the headaches were manageable my entire body was itchy. Now even with these unfortunate side effects I could not wait to move forward with this exciting process. Next week I have an ultrasound to determine when I can get the trigger shot to force ovulation. Woot woot!
There are a lot of people out there that think it is easy to conceive, but in reality for me it is very hard to have a successful pregnancy. I've been pregnant twice but feel like I have nothing to show for it but sadness because I did not have a live birth. I feel like I should not be sad anymore because the first miscarriage was almost two years ago and although I just had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in October, I should be "over it" by now. Unfortunately society does not openly talk about the struggles in dealing with pregnancy loss and I want to be the one to open up. There are more days that I'd rather just lay in front of a train than not, but I know that I am meant to be a mom and I will be one day I just need to get through the dark tunnel.
My husband Jake likes to think that I struggled for a reason, and yes, I'm one of those people that absolutely HATES when people say everything happens for a reason because I do not feel like I should be so upset every single day of my life to hope for something I've wanted for so long just to cross my fingers and have it taken from me. I've been really inspired to create a nonprofit to help pay for infertility treatments to couples trying to conceive and he thinks that through my suffering I may be able to help others. I have pages of notes and I still don't really know where to begin, but it gives me hope. I smile knowing that not only am I fighting for myself, but I'm fighting for other women that want to be mothers just as bad as I do.
If there is anyone out there reading my posts, I encourage you to keep moving when times are tough. When you see that pregnant woman in the grocery store, keep going. When you see that new pregnancy announcement, keep going. That will be you one day, even if you have to fight just a little bit harder.