Faith and the Trigger Shot
So if anyone has been following along with my journey, I had a doctors appointment a couple weeks ago and he put me on Letrozole (also known as Femara) to produce eggs. To see my post about how I responded to the medication visit here. With a "typical" woman's cycle being 28 days, ovulation would occur around cycle day 14. After being on the medication for cycle days 3-7 I was scheduled for an ultrasound on day 12 to check my follicles to determine when I would get the Trigger Shot. Right away I had a larger follicle that measured 6mm and a few other smaller ones so I received my shot and we're crossing our fingers! The purpose of this shot is to force ovulation and mine was injected in the stomach. I know I should stay off Google, but of course I Google my life away. After doing some research I read that women should receive the shot once their follicles are at about 18-20mm. I'm obviously not a doctor but man, am I hoping for the best considering my largest follicle was only 6mm. But after more Googling I'm convinced the shot was used to help mature the egg in the follicle before it gets released. (Fingers crossed.) I didn't feel any crazy symptoms yesterday, but today was a struggle. I work in childcare and don't get me wrong I LOVE my job but some days are hard. Today was one of those days. There wasn't a crazy amount of diapers like usual, but constantly bending down hurt my stomach where I was injected. I've had blood taken before like most people while being in the hospital, but it never swelled up a day or two later. Right now where I was injected is red and swollen and I'm not quite sure if that's normal or if I'm just overreacting, BUT it's great to know the constant headaches were worth it and the medication worked the way it was suppose to!
I absolutely love the facility my husband and I are working with. Next week I go in for blood work to get my progesterone levels checked to see what kind of ovulation I had. Depending on what they see IF I do not get pregnant this month (obviously fingers forever crossed that I do) the specialists will determine if I'm going to keep my dosage of Letrozole or increase it for next cycle. It feels BEYOND AMAZING knowing that even if it does not work this time there is a new and improved plan waiting for us.
When I'm away from my husband Jake he always finds a way to melt my heart. Do not get me wrong, when he texts me about how he's constantly researching new ways to try to get pregnant I light up because I know he cares just as much as I do. But it also hurts a little knowing how bad he wants to hold ultrasound photos and I feel like I'm letting him down because I haven't been able to have a successful pregnancy.
The biggest thing I'm working on is taking a deep breath and having faith. I'm not sure if others are religious or not and that's okay if you aren't but sometimes I feel like you need to have faith in SOMETHING. Right now I feel like I've missed so many messages from God telling me that I need to come back to Him. When I was pregnant the first time I prayed and prayed that I would have a healthy baby but I had a miscarriage. The second time when I got pregnant I prayed so hard for a healthy baby. This time it was ectopic and I was hospitalized for a few days. When things suck in life, most people hold onto their faith. I did not. I was so angry because I believe in my heart God knows what you want before you ask it and He truly knows you better than you know yourself. With that being said, I feel like He gave up on me and like a father, I just wanted to ignore Him because I felt like it was cruel to hurt me the way He did. After all He should know how badly I wanted this baby. Both of those babies. And He just let them die, and I have not gotten over that yet.
I used to go to Grace Church in Toledo when I was in high school. It started with one of my bestfriends and then I ended up going by myself after graduating. The community helped me through rough times with my family and gave me a sense of belonging. Jake and I are training (I say this loosely) for a half marathon next month and Saturday we always run at Sharon Woods. However, last Saturday we decided to go somewhere closer because of timing (we had a wedding to attend in Toledo). When I was going to my car I saw a young women who was part of that Grace Church community at the park we were running at here in Columbus! It was so crazy seeing her because the last time I saw her was probably six or seven years ago, two and a half hours north AND we don't typically run at that park. The next day while working at my weekend job serving I discovered that I went to a church camp in 2010 with one of the line cooks, again in a different city who also knew the young woman that I saw the day before. Small world right?! That may not seem like much to others, but I feel like it was sign after sign. It's not that I no longer believe because I do, but I stopped praying when I felt hopeless. I felt hopeless because if God can't help me conceive then how am I suppose to do it without Him?! It does give me hope knowing that there were women who struggled in the Bible and once their wish was granted they gave birth to important people. I just hope that soon enough it will be our turn.
Everyday I'm learning the deeper struggles with infertility. I feel like I'm constantly complaining for my feelings and my symptoms which probably doesn't make me seem like the best to be around, but each day is one day closer. I'm trying to change my attitude because I know I WILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY who will be healthy and live a long life. After trying for almost two years and not dealing with the medication side of things until recently, I admire all of the women that deal with this in secret with their partner. I do not know what I would do without Jake or my work family because even talking about the process gives them a little insight of the struggles couples face on the daily. Each day I am getting stronger with one deep breath at a time. I just can't wait to help others who are struggling too.