I’ve been trying to get off Sunday mornings so I can go to church again and this morning I was lucky enough to make it this past Sunday. I felt like the message was directed towards me and as I sat to take it in I continued to wipe the tears from my eyes because I felt so moved and it was hard taking it all in. The lead pastor used to be a youth pastor and he mentioned that he continues to see a rise in children and young adults shying away from God. They do not completely get rid of Him but maybe “put Him in a box” and only reach out when He’s needed. That spoke to me. That was me. You can read my struggles here.
The pastor also mentioned that others lose their faith because bad things happen. I’ve literally posted about this a few weeks ago. I was so upset He let BOTH of MY babies die but I didn’t want to completely get rid of Him; I just didn’t want to talk to Him or acknowledge that He could’ve changed the outcome. That was me putting God in the box--since he wasn't doing what I asked or prayed for, I put him away. The pastor went on to talk about how people lose their faith when bad things happened to good people, something that hasn't stuck with me in the past. In the book of Job, he (Job) was put through so much with losing his family, his money, that he even cursed the day he was born all over a bet between God and Satan on whether or not Job would curse God if bad things happened to him. Job never loses his faith and although he’s been through traumatic experiences, he still praises God. One of my best friends died two months after having a baby. TWO MONTHS. When I hear “See you again,” by Carrie Underwood my heart immediately sinks. It’s hard to acknowledge the reason she was called home, although she really was an angel. I understand it’s hard to hold on to faith when things aren‘t going well, but I need to find a better way to do it.
Getting Jake to go to church with me today to hear that message was amazing. Not only did he think of me and everything I’ve been feeling the last two years, but I think it brought Jacob and I closer together in a spiritual way. He has shied away from God too, but he’s always been a believer. I cannot wait to use this message to pray together as a family and really know one another in a more fulfilling, spiritual way.
There are a lot of times when I’ve prayed and God doesn‘t answer my prayers the way I want. I don’t get my sign or my message and I‘m left here wondering what to do next. Most of the time without even realizing it He’s working His magic and then it’ll hit me. He really does work in mysterious ways. I want to be able to know the real God, not the God who I believed was always showing signs of His presence, always protected good people and delivered right away. I’m still asking Him why I’m not having a baby yet or what’s wrong with me, but I know deep in my heart I will have my time. If things don't work well this cycle my medication will be updated to try to increase my chances of conceiving next cycle. I truly am blessed for the medical team that is helping us and for that powerful message.